tootempeepz

Was there a moment when I thought that life could mean something more than a desolate feeling of discovering pain and slow death? For a time that was all I could think about and surround myself in. And then here come life's little surprises that comes as gifts or blessings under disguise and just as fast, disappears abruptly before you even manage to realize what it is you have experienced. For every moment that you breathe, there is actually a choice waiting to become an opportunity for a lifetime discovery or a moment to just delve in a joyful or nostalgic memory. Each of us carries with us the power to influence and create the simplest, and somewhat ironically the most majestic situation or event in our lives. Whether we are aware or we are in or not in control doesn't matter, so long as we realize we can do something in the present moment.
The fact is though; I will always be plagued with moments of confusion and doubt. I won't know how I will react to things and events but I will fight for what I believe in and stand for. Some things may change and everyone may change indefinitely but there are also little things that will remain forever the same. At least in our knowledge and in our minds it will. To gain hold of a purpose is my ultimate goal and even if it is a dream that kills, what is the greatest thing a person could ever do is to die for their dreams. A glory that no one else can protest for it is not a world for everyone but those who believe. I often write but become indecisive or my thoughts will unravel all over the place leaving me in a fog. When the fog finally clears, I wonder where I will be.
Maybe, I will finally find my place among the clouds...

I truly believe that there is no such thing as writer's block. It's only a block, because I don't have the proper tools to write what I need. Admittedly though, it is the perfect term to call the mental state that forces the literature an author makes go bye-bye. A spiral into nothingness for the mind that wants to think but can think of nothing... Like a cloud passing overhead, you can do nothing but stare and before you know it, an eternity has passed.
Looking at the clouds would seem to tell you that this moment will signify the edge of your imagination. What it tells me though is the higher level of anticipation to the moment where I can get a piece of paper and write what I've experienced on a cloudy day.

What I do know for sure is that it never ends... The countless thoughts swirling inside the minds of tomorrow can only write today. When tomorrow comes, it will bring more confusion and alterations to yesterday. What I need to write today, won't come until I've learned of the future. What is written cannot be erased... They can only be abandoned for a new word worth remembering.

I want to draw something that means something to someone. Like when you go see a really great band live for the first time and no one is saying it but everyone's thinking it... I want to draw that feeling, but I can't.
By: Peyton

Reason
It is inevitable that we lose ourselves to idealism and perfection despite knowing that our obsessions will never come into being. I'm helpless at the thought of never being able to actualize the dreams and aspirations that plague my mind during the years of self-discovery and ultimately shed my armor to show the beauty underneath.

Life has no meaning without dreams... No matter how much we transcend the existence of our lives and the reason for being, it will never be enough. For no one can exist without purpose, else one exists but with limited consciousness. Our gifts as humans is the ability to think and to question, and then to start on progressing to be the ultimate civilization; thus abandoning our animistic nature that is the power of freedom. A person who has freedom should have hand-in-hand with him the capacity to have freewill which is innate in our abundant intellectual species. As an individual ages and soon comes to know himself but realizes the finite attributes we have, and there is a spiral of confusion that overwhelms the spirit. Our spirit and soul find themselves unfulfilled. Out of all the living beings that have come into existence, only a handful finds the right path. As for the rest, they are never fulfilled because they cannot find where their home lies.

The purpose of all this and the conclusion will lie in wait as fortune opens the path to our calling. A calling that our hearts seek and our soul dreams to find; so that, maybe one day, we would be able to finally satisfy the craving to get the answers to the questions that have plagued our minds since the moment we opened our eyes to reality. But more importantly, to answer the very nature our existence as vessels that walk this doomed planet. Despite it all, to dream a dream that one knows may never come to being is either a very excruciating experience or to say the least, it never hurt anyone to dream something huge and magnificent and think that there are possibilities no matter how small the percentage of that chance may be. The underlying tone to this statement would be how we can transcend the facticities that inhibit us to reach our goals or to be something greater than we once were. This thinking tickles the brain to constitute solutions however the formula will not come to pass. The thinking process should end for only our actions will bear fruit and witness the “miracle.” A miracle that as the word says is seldom realized but once its essence comes to life, then ultimately we become what monks have been working for all their lives… to become truly enlightened.

I suppose no one can accurately describe such a state of being. A man who possesses this quality is beyond the reach of a normal struggling human in search for salvation. In the end, this journey is taken alone. To find meaning in life and understand the quality of existence can only be found once we take a step upon the stairs reaching to holiness and be able to experience the spiritual realm. One can’t help but wonder if this is truly the answer to the problems of our life and to the multitude questions that occupies the mind.
Will this be enough or am I in search for something else besides the beyond? What if all the answers that I’m looking for is something that can only be found inside the warmth of a child’s eyes… and what then if my questions pertain to love and happiness? Is that going to be part and parcel to the reasons of existence? I hope to one day answer my own paradox in the simplest possible way,,, in a form of a dream.

Savor the retreat in her eyes as she looked through the window bars of her cage. She had freedom in every sense of the word… more freedom than even she could muster if she weren't a prisoner. Inside, so long as she got adequate food and no one bothered her, she was ultimately like a bird nesting in her roost. She worshipped the four walls of her enclosed barrier. The shadows that covered in the inner recesses of the four-walled atmosphere calmed her. It was peace through and through. Even the sharpness of the corners of the room didn't bother her; to her it was the best next thing to the walls that she adored. She was bound by chains on her feet that seemed to have no weigh. They clinked and clanged as she moved and there were times when she got annoyed by some such noisy sounds that disturb her simple tranquil life. Unaware of the trick she played only in her imagination. Once the door opens and some sort of dim light seeped through the crevice, she would burst and shout on top of her lungs like a caged beast that hungers to be free… But the truth was, she could not think of a reality beyond the door that the gaurs presents to her. This was something she feared and truly with all her might she fought and fought to enlarge her worshipped cage so no light would ever come close. She would remain safe. The outer world beyond the heavy metal framed door would never touch her, would never leave its mark on such an innocent tame girl. Inside, she was all that she could ever be and nothing more but what she only wanted to be. What was beyond didn't concern her and she didn't want to be bothered. Everyday she would sing of one melodious piece engraved in some far distant memory some time ago when the guards would sing. The piece is about the beast living inside a cage and the soul of this beast was trapped within the confines of a little beautiful girl whose pale skin and languid face could fool anyone to think that such beauty would entomb pure innocence. But such that she didn't have adequate education, she did not understand some of the verses in the lyrics, for her, the melody were sound to the ear and this was the only music she ever got to know… The music let her spirit sour within the confines of her rotting prison cage and let her soul wander and wane. To others, she simply did not exist. All her life revolved inside the cage and all her life was the cage. To go out would mean death; to stay in would mean incarceration for eternity. An eternity of freedom and immortality to no avail for her confines bounded only her psyche and all its corrupted madness lies in her soul.

When you are young and have seen through much in life… You become grounded by reality. As sickening as this thought might be, the world is indeed trapped within a box and our dreams and aspirations may have strayed outside from time to time but will eventually soon be forced to come back because of life’s dictatorial circumstances. It is amazing that we do not wither and as our minds are strangled and our hearts choked up, I suppose a higher being enabled us to be idealistic so that our obsessions may have a possibility to come true even if only in our minds.

Life in itself is astonishing… The burden that man carries on his chest as he walks the journey of life bears much violence, disgust, sarcasm, hatred, evil and all the entities disguised in a fashion of leisure that man continuous to indulge and disillusions himself with and thus hiding from the truth. When faced with a mirror that reflects our inner selves, we see a model that truly shows us how we ignore what is under our very nose as we put on our make-up and dress ourselves to cover up the lies and incest lying deep in the recesses of our hearts. The tragedies that make up the traumatic experiences and the scars that we'd have to live with forever as mistakes of man, slumber ever so quietly in the back of our minds; but slowly, with a will of its own, creeps and triumphs over the intellect as it acts and rules our instincts. It kills our hopes and turns our fears into reality. The man then submits succinctly into temptation, without doubts or a moment's hesitation to erase from his own psyche the discovery of the unknown as time mulls over the decaying flesh and the soul succumbs to death.

Everyday is an opportunity for us to meet new people, face new challenges, discover the grand themes in life and open our eyes to the meaning of life. As all of us go through these experiences, our values, minds and thinking are shaped into who and what we are today. But what factor in our lives infuses such virtues into our system that we are swayed and are ultimately affected from how we make choices in our life & to how we live it.
In a Chinese family where women are dictating, forward and profound, it is hard not to be influenced by their rule. Women are all things besides amiable, feminine and unequal to men. They have for a long time managed the house and kept the family together with their force. They work not only for themselves but also for their children and they do this within or without the spotlight. To me, my number one factor as great influence would be my mother, and until this very day and moment she continuously affects each and every aspect of my life. How is this? I haven't realized yet how much she has actually become a part of me, but I do know that for every day that I'm with her, the moments spent and shared with her and all the reprimands she dictates on me have now produced the final product, which is ME. We may not talk as I do with my friends but I wouldn't feel the same way talking with my friends as I do with my mom. I also wouldn't do stuff for my friends in order to make them proud of me or to learn and do my best so I can help them in the future but I will do it for my mom…
The second part would be my older sister; she has guided and partook in caring for me as I grew up and she has lent her relentless guarding civil over me. I am lucky to have a cute and nice sister such as her, others wouldn't be as lucky to have someone else who would take care of them out of sisterly love. Though I may not have always known it or seen it, I have felt her attachment to me. A part of me has always devoted again and again to my sister and this bond I have shared with my sister has influenced me unconditionally.

You mean to say that when the imagination runs wild you forget much of who you are and unintentionally crave to be the one thing you are not. Although in the subtleties of the way the story was made, there are signs in which the character within the story will take root and link back to the creator. I still remember the time in which I got so carried away that I soon forgot what it really meant to live. I thought that everything has become useless. Thus, my thrive to live on painstakingly disappeared and as the excitement and fear grasped and took hold of my senses; it no longer mattered if I was alive or even if I was only living a lie... After all, all the things existed only within my mind. It was a world real only to me and no one else. This was a strange but authentic way of losing your mind to the power of fantasy. It was so easy that I got addicted to the thought of it. No one could break the spell. No one could get pass the barrier I've created within myself. Soon, everything would be a lost cause; I myself have given up on life and reality and live only through the power of imagination and creativity! It was useless to call out to me because I won't care or remember but assume to live the life of a mortal withering away slowly but surely. This is my point of view that I could not erase from memory despite all the things that I do in order to forget. So that, maybe, one day I would be able to move on and live life like everyone else. It seems to me that my heart doesn't want to and not even my brain could come up with a solution to this outrageous problem… It was sad while that part of me remained unchanged and I continued to live a hollow life, always longing for something that I may not ever have. It killed me and my capacity to feel for others what I ought to have felt when I was young and carefree but the moment I opened my eyes, my sight have fallen short of the vision that drove my ambition when I was still inspired. This transition has left me broken up and devastated that my life seemed to take a huge 360 degree turn to which I was no longer in control of my life. Sensation looked like a lost cause to those who had an inkling of what I was going through, but no one had a complete idea of what was going on inside me. I grew winsome and lackadaisical that my attitude lost its confidence and my once provoking self lost all nature of aggressiveness. I had hoped that maybe one day, I would suddenly wake up from this stupor and live life again as if I was a new born babe. I would live as if I had breathed life for the first time and experienced things with so much agitation because I was aware of my surroundings and of the events that are happening to my life. Some would say that certainly my luck would change and give me something new to think about beside the condition that I was in. There was a part of me though that didn't want to get out of the situation I was in and even though I tried to hide it from myself, I knew in the back of my mind that this is a part of me that I'd have to overcome and accept. I tried so hard to deny this feeling, this joy of self-discovery that would either set me free or bring me down to hell. I had a perspicacious mind but I even I couldn't perceive the grave I was digging for myself as I was perplexed by my own esteem. Flustered as I was, I couldn't turn to anyone else and I trusted no one besides my own judgment. I became aberrant and considered wasting my life away until I hit rock bottom and maybe this would bang my head so hard that I wouldn't have a choice but to pick myself up from this conspicuous nightmare. Even though from the start I knew that life always had choices and I didn't need to see the outcome of where I was going to know where I would end up if I didn't get my gear straight. I suppose I lapsed and lost focus on my priorities and the things that I wanted for my life and the people that I cared about. I thought so much that I felt as if my head would burst from the pain of contemplating too much and not going anywhere since I reveled in the paradox that I've created within me. Will I ever find the answer? I doubt it. But as I am still in such a state, at least I was able to rouse myself a little bit and still manage to get work done. May God give me strength to live on and grow… I do not want to stop growing for I know as stupid and nonsensical I've become. I just can't help it but believe.

Only recently did I fully realize this: that through years of listening to my mother's stories of her life, I have absorbed not only the stories themselves, but something of the manner in which she spoke, something of the urgency that involves the knowledge that her stories-like her life-must be recorded.
–Alice Walker, "In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens," from In Search of Our Mothers'Gardens (New York: Harcourt Brace and Company, 1984)

Everyday is an opportunity for us to meet new people, face new challenges, discover the grand themes in life and open our eyes to the meaning of life. As all of us go through these experiences, our values, minds and thinking are shaped into who and what we are today. But what factor in our lives infuses such virtues into our system that we are swayed and are ultimately affected from how we make choices in our life & to how we live it.
In a Chinese family where women are dictating, forward and profound, it is hard not to be influenced by their rule. Women are all things besides amiable, feminine and unequal to men. They have for a long time managed the house and kept the family together with their force. They work not only for themselves but also for their children and they do this within or without the spotlight. To me, my number one factor as great influence would be my mother, and until this very day and moment she continuously affects each and every aspect of my life. How is this? I haven’t realized yet how much she has actually become a part of me, but I do know that for every day that I’m with her, the moments spent and shared with her and all the reprimands she dictates on me have now produced the final product, which is ME. We may not talk as I do with my friends but I wouldn’t feel the same way talking with my friends as I do with my mom. I also wouldn’t do stuff for my friends in order to make them proud of me or to learn and do my best so I can help them in the future but I will do it for my mom…
The second part would be my older sister; she has guided and partook in caring for me as I grew up and she has lent her relentless guarding civil over me. I am lucky to have a cute and nice sister such as her, others wouldn’t be as lucky to have someone else who would take care of them out of sisterly love. Though I may not have always known it or seen it, I have felt her attachment to me. A part of me has always devoted again and again to my sister and this bond I have shared with my sister has influenced me unconditionally.

Wow! It has been a long time since I posted. I've been neglecting LJ, but hey, I've been busy with school... I barely have time to sleep and enjoy playing around.

Here I am again. I have now begun to realize what nonsense it is to live. I am vague and that is how I feel and understand myself. I write here knowing that I may never find the answer because there is none and for even if there was an answer it is not the one that will change my life or change my opinion at all. It will not serve me but only make me more miserable than I am. While sleeping awhile ago, I thought of all the formals and mojo of yoga to meditation to trying to sleep it all of and now I am here typing my thoughts so I can finally fight of insomnia and get it together. I also accept that I am just like them, them who like to hurt so much just so the real pain will go away. I have never felt so good and exhilarated before. I know I’ve tried it but perhaps I’ve fooled myself to often that I no longer know which one is the real truth. I’ve denied for so long that I become unleashed when I lose myself a little that I give little care for the rest of the world. It scares me to think that such thoughts and feeling are alive within me. It becomes a euphoria just to be able to live a little that succumb to it every chance I get. If I compare myself to others who are more unfortunate, I start to feel less pathetic but I know then and there that I am fooling myself again and letting the universe of society rule me into which I know is false for every man lives for himself and himself alone. Even if I deny that quotation and phrase, deep inside I believe every letter of the word of the phrase to the core of my being. I let my thoughts run free now and such freedom to do so in words on paper that I feel the anguish flow slowly and silently circulate around me. At least, it helps to write this all on paper so one day I may come to read of all my sins. My accounts with God to whom I have condemned myself to hell long before because of all the sinful thoughts running in my head. The brain which God gives me now becomes a source of all the pain and sorrow I feel. If only I can listen to my mind and not my heart, I could feel better and better everyday. Be more heartless, cold –hearted and vengeful to all those who make me miserable in this unfair world that God made Earth. Is there such a thing as the next world? If there is then none of it should be mine. I cannot even pass the simple test over here where everything is determined by the choices you make in life. Others has had a worse life that I could not make myself to imagine. Reliving in stories and life’s of fiction make it endearing for me to live life in an awe inspiring way but reality can so easily bring you down to Earth and keep you in a little boxed up cage where there is nothing but the panoramic view of Pandora and her evil within. When passion rules you it is so easy to write but when you are given something you do not care about or even notice to some degree you can cast it aside as if it were nothing and it doesn’t even exist. Such little things can be vital to our livelihood and we don’t even care. We care more for things that are irrelevant and succumb to them like slaves to masters but with devotion of worshipers to their god. It occurs to me that I may never belong to that group and I too am longing to be in the dark side. Now, I no longer hide from it too. It helps to accept myself, all my evil and good if there was even any slight distinction between them to begin with. I have to begin to learn to use the first person every time I refer to myself. Hahaha!
For a little bit of good news I enjoyed watching the premier of star wars today. It was really good but I hoped that they made the graphics better nonetheless everything is OKAY! Which means great and I saw a lot of coming soon movies which I am fidgeting to watch already in a movie house if it weren’t that expensive. It’s sad that there are a lot of raids going on to get rid of all the fake DVD’s but damn them! If they didn’t make the economical financial status of people so hard then we all would have been buying originals instead of the fakes. I for one would love to buy the fakes if it meant I could watch more and still enjoy it like the original. Also the new consoles for Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo are out! Geesh… I wish they too weren’t so damn expensive. I for one am a hardcore fan of Sony so I’ll be buying the PS3 if I get the chance, which I hope I do. I also like the Xbox 360 but I don’t think that will be a good idea since I’ve been using the Play Station for years not to mention all Sony stuff that are good on my opinion and list. I also got the iRiver MP3 Player and that is thanks to mom. The one who feeds me and lets me go to school and have a proper life and reminds me of how lucky I am and still I’m such a huge pinprick! For whatever reason there is.

Do you have an answer? There is no answer. At least, I think there is not. I thought to myself what it would be like if I were a different person. If fate had been different for me, but when I look at the world and see what it has become. I could not bear that there is no hope for the future. I see multitudes of people. People who have power, expression and character or people like me who see things in a different perspective combining reality and fantasy. Who then gets lost in a world that always seeks perfection? Beauty is imperfection; where life is in compassion, when there is pain and sorrow in this world. I am but confused because of what I see, believe and standardize yet I know that it is not true. Is it my sense of idealism or am I not shying away from the truth of society. Was it like this before, or has it grown into this now. Is it envy for those who have better lives? Do I not have what others beneath my station calling me a “lucky” person to have a wonderful and happy life? I know at some point that life is not as perfect as it seems and everyone would want something that they are not able to have. I do owe it to them for being an example, a guide to push me further into a dream, but dreams don’t always come true. Dreams are their so that we continue to live for something, a meaning to our life that we hold dear. When dreams are shattered, then we are a person who lives for naught; a lifeless soul that is stuck and may never go up the ladder. Maybe this is not my calling and I can see that where I am going, I continue further to a road that is not for me. Others would say I am young but isn’t life short? Before we know it, it is over and we can only live our remaining breathes in regret for what we could’ve done, for what we have lost and cannot retrieve.
I am fifteen years old, for me it is an age too old to continue being lost when I see others who like me have already found something important than their own life that they continue to pursue such goal and dreams in life to a reality within their reach. I believe them to be lucky and they are. I am happy for them since they have found their utopia. They have found a path to walk on that continue to lead them to a future. When I see this, I thought why not focus on me. Stop looking and start being. Thus, I do look at myself, at what is inside and to who I am. I start to search for meaning in my life, reasons to continue on and maybe find my utopia. Then I would get lost again and see myself at the beginning but this time I now know that just as I continue being list in circles, round and round trying to find a start to my life and move on. Maybe if I looked deeper then I could find myself. I did decide that I would concentrate on me and not on others, focusing only in me. I saw then so many paths that I want to take that I could not make a single step towards a road. Each road was calling out to me with all their gravelled hearts, longing for me to travel on a journey. I couldn’t take a step, not to mention I was afraid to for I could see myself and see the doubts, insecurities and troubles I will face along the way. It would be meaningless if there were no problems to face, and I thought that I should have just been naïve and like others who began towards a dream, I too should have been stupidly naïve; At least, I could face without trepidation but excitement and with a shining brilliance of power combined with strength to reach a goal. It was obviously not for me. I am here now with foresight and knowledge about the world and its cruelty and unfairness. Where genius is made to shine and talent mostly goes to waste. I see myself at a loss for as I try and work, efforts would still be futile. I will go nowhere and everyone else will rush past me. Is it fear but I know deep down inside of me I need and want so desperately, why else would I be here right now if not for the longing and desire urging me to continue to cling on and grasp the edge with everything I’ve got. I do now that as I am right now, it is not enough, I need more and more and I don’t care if I become selfish or a little greedy because I want this and I really do, I also know that if I back down and doubt it, another would be there, be more qualified and I would give him that chance since I let others in. If I am a little selfish or greedy it is because as God would’ve wanted me to pursue my dreams and be happy in life, I shouldn’t let others pull me down because I thought of them and risk myself in the process.

Geesh....
I haven't been sleeping very well....
I dunno why.
Is it insomnia?
I hope not!

Anyways, I just watched Initial D 4th stage and its been so long since they released the 11 and 12 episodes so it's great to have finally been able to watch it!! Yahoo!! *jumps up and down*
Although it really sucks since it kept me hanging by the end of the 12th episodes around the end part. anyway GO Takumi!! hehehe...

Now time to go and get some sleep!

My friend and I decided to try out fishing... hmm... I wonder if it's fun?! I hope it is since buying the equipment will be somewhat pricey and I could use the money on something else but if it turns out alright then I could continue fishing which is good. I haven't been able to go outdoor and jsut enjoy nature nowadays.

Anywas this is a site I found while reading newspapers about the new revolutionizing web-blogging world in the net and I don't really understand this site but it somewhat gives links to those blog sites that is more http://portal.eatonweb.com/. When you're bored then this is a welcome place to visit!

Oh and finally got to meet the famous pao'pao of our family... I'ts jsut a name that stuck and well it's good to finally get to know them since I was still a very young toddler back then and didn't catch them as I grew up.

Here I am again. Hi, hello!

Still CHUGGING Coffee, Still Bored, Still Sick and somehow getting better coz I'm Sick of being SICK! ugh! Being in bed all day really sucks not to mention incredible pain.
So, going back to Still getting nowhere, I feel that my life is such a bore but I'm doing progress somehow and although slow, it's still something.
Playing Tennis and going to the gym these past days make me feel better. I feel blood...life pumping in my veins and it helps me sleep a lt faster! Having insomnia is bad! I sleep at funny hours and get a lot of headaches so exercising makes me sleep in a blink of an eye. The bad side to that is when I wake up I feel muscle cramps all over my body. Ohh! the pain! the pain! Besides that, I'm reading some books and a little philosophy now and then..more of TV but I always miss the episodes so grrr... t doesn't matter, I'll stop watching as soon as school starts again! I hope to enjoy my trip to H.K. soon! What sucks is Disney Land wont be opening yet.
What else..hmmm... my life's dreary. smallvilles episodes are so slow and my downloads are slow. puff!
Time for Coffee:D

Ciao.

To whom this may seem real,
I fought for what was new.
To seek the lands that sought pasture;
Of tall grass and greens to plant anew

The crops I will tend
I will keep to o’er my last breath.
To help tent my birth land,
And make mother earth proud and true.

I kept my ground
Stood tall and proud
Ye farmers are the life on earth
Like water for all who thirst

We give life for all who hunger
Our sweat and toil will bring forth fruit
Flavors that sweeten the hearts
And melt the soul asunder

Now I have given all for the land
Who accepted me as a steward lad
I am in need to express the need for thee
To teach mankind a lesson for all to see

The truth is here
Humble us please!
May we see the beauty of what god has given to thee
All should learn to graze the land as animals that yearn for kind

So I've been reading and got to reread Terry Goodkinds books...
He's one of my fave and greatest authors of his genre around! I didn't know how much I actually missed a good read until I started reading his books again...now I can't wait for the 8th or is it 9th series of sword of truth...it's not available here yet! Darn!! So unfair...Why wasn't I born in USA or some other place where books are cheap, always available and released early plus not to mention..ACTUAL, REAL libraries that doesn't have crappy books and is in good condition. *sigh*
So unluncky..it taught me to love my books a lot tho:D

Hey guess what?
It's summer and I'm sweating my pants!
I't is so hot...reaching almost 38 degrees! Thank god for aircons... hehehe..anyways I have nothing to do and I'm becoming a bum if I do say so myself and somehow I luv it..and hate it too
Pros is I can relax and just have a good time and do all the things I want to do but the thing is I can't travel around and I'm confined to the house which is okay but I can get bored at times..I've had enough of tv's and pc's and now I'm jamming the books but I still ain't in the mood to read which is sleezy coz I borrowed lots of book and somehow I need to read them. So besides this boing life of mine...Finally got my card and man such loser teachers! Why can't they give me a better grade! geesh I mean I already feel like such a nerd yet they still feel like being jerks! but that's life and I do feel like fighting it one day! nit go with the flow...so till then! I;m sleepy! and it;s 5 in the morning! tata!

So…I'm back here all over again and what I thought would've been a pretty good day since all I did was to rest or relax. My body's been aching like hell because of the "slimmersman, what a work-out!)" from yesterday and now I couldn't do anything much but use my mind and so I've been reading books and surfing the net etc… Talk about ever lasting happiness! Well, God was really unfair on that part since I don't think anyone deserves a life full of despair yet here we are living day by day full of pain and sorrow for what we have lost, dread and failed to achieve. Still, most of us believe and hope for that day to come when everything will be accomplished and all is well. For the day we gain something that we've all been looking for but only few will ever be able to glimpse of it, much less actually grasp it.
Now, back to what went wrong part is that both my sister and mom got into a big fight, no violence but much worse are words that may never be taken back ever again… The hearts that will be broken and the memories that will scar and wound our minds; mostly, I feel because I know that kind of pain and I don't think I'll never heal from it. Even if I wanted to be able to solve such things I don't think I will be able to considering I can't even figure out what's wrong with mine.
The Story began with Tope our houseboy cleaning the house but more of the caretaker of my ass brother's pets. He didn't resign but instead of that he went away without consent and we found out that he wasn't doing his job well. He wasn't feeding most of the animals in the house for days, some for weeks and not only that, but a monitor lizard that's been with us for some time is gone. We didn't know what happened to it and we have our suspicions and also of the reasons why Tope left. Mom said that she sued Tope and although I have doubts that it will work because of the practically useless judiciary system of Philippines, you can more or less tell that it nothing would happen especially now that we have no idea where Tope is. Then the argument was brought up and that started it all about a stupid door of Unit 3. The argument was it wasn't locked up for god knows how long and then mom was scolding charm for not being able to notice since she was always parking in Unit 3 and obviously should've been able to see to her surroundings which was not the case. Charm said that she didn't notice and obviously will take more notice of her surroundings. Then mom started with, kahit na ksi you are always parking there. You should have been able to see, it didn't matter if it was for a day or two but the door hasn't been chained up for weeks at the most and you still didn't see. It's as if you don't care etc… some of what she said also consists of "It's as if your not part of the household, You just don't care, and all that shit!" Charm was trying to state that okay fine, I didn't look more closely to it but don't accuse me of not caring about the household especially since I'm also part of this family and I do care about what happens. It's not as if I deliberately tried not to see or care for that matter. I don't know what got over mom but was she in heat! And I mean in HEAT! I didn't know if it was because she had a tiring day or a shitty day for short but man was she blinded. I finally realized how much I was like her that when I was convinced I was right I didn't see it any other way and refused to see other objective views. I mean, there wasn't supposed to be any argument at all. There is only the frustration spilling all over and directed in the wrong way. I was more inclined to the opinion of charms since I knew what it felt like and for the first time I was able to see more clearly what I am, the good and bad traits that I got from my mom and how hard it is to accept the opinions of others even though they are neither right nor wrong. It is after all just an opinion but it still has a point! While they were arguing I was thinking of who is responsible for this agony and pain? Who was responsible for this bullshit that's happening? How could I try to remedy this problem? It is killing the relationships within the family and over such a stupid cause. Then I thought of the person whose always causing the frustration and grief in this family and there was only one person who could've done that. Bert was first to come to my mind of course. Who else would anyway? Me, even if I wanted to be the one so I wouldn't have to blame others for what is happening right in front of me, I remained convinced down to the very cells of my heart and the cells grew and rooted something called hate and abomination. To think that I was even considering forgiving my brother who has caused me so much pain and grief all these years and to think that I came from my last confession for the second year of high school, thinking that I really wanted to fix this with all my heart. Oh! God how much I wanted for this to actually work, especially when I never forgave and forget. When I illustrated all the agony, helplessness, depression, fear, hate, rigidity and sorrow again and again and again in mi mind for god knows how many times. For every time that I tried and tried as if it was meant for me to fail. Sometimes I think I was responsible and I'd thinking of it, how ironic it must be since I feel as if I'm one of those teenagers on TV or wherever who blames themselves for the things they can't control, they can't even be considered since they were, just like me caught in a helpless, no-win situation. Then I thought, if it's in the movies or in TV then it must be happening all over the world and we don't even know it. Caught up so much in the heat of things that we forget what is more important. When they both left the table, I prayed to God, I blamed Him for putting us in such a situation when it clearly contradicts all the teachings and preaching's. I just prayed for both my sister and mother after which I promised and prayed not to judge so easily. Never to judge a person you don't know and not look at first impressions. Hear but do not say, Listen and keep still, open your mind to what is good and right and think through and realize. Think before you speak and be aware. Though this is not the first time I have promised myself this and I think I'm coming along and improving myself with this promise or determination to change for the better, I hope that everything will be better if not the best and to bring more happiness to our lives. Geesh…. Talk about private but even then..this things always happen and no one can control it. Accidents will happen no matter how careful you are. They just do what's important is if we can recover.